The Beer, the BBQ, the Bat!

My brother, Rick, invited me over one Saturday night for a barbecue and beer. His wife had gone camping with her girlfriends, so it was like our own boys night out.

It threatened to rain, but that didn’t dampen our spirits and we sat outside. We started to barbecue and listen to his newest blues CDs on his portable player. Many laughs and several beers later the rain forced us to take the party inside.

What more could anyone ask for? Various genres of blues wafting through the house, ice cold beer flowing, steaks cooked to perfection, and, oh yeah…the bat flying around the livingroom.

“A what?” my brother choked. “There’s a bat flying around your livingroom”, I calmly replied. He belted out a scream as he leaped from the table and raced upstairs. I could hear the bedroom and bathroom doors being slammed shut in unison. All the while I was laughing at our new situation. Well, until the bat swooped down on me, that is.

We must have made quite a sight. Two forty-something men screaming like frightened school children over a flying mouse. “What do we do now?” my out of breath brother wheezed. I suggested we get a broom and a towel to catch it in. Twice before I encountered bats in my home and this technique worked well. Rick handed me the broom and declared, “Since you’re the expert you can chase him out the patio door.” I bravely marched into the livingroom to duke it out with the flying vermin, giggling stupidly the entire time.

With each swing of the broom my enemy out-maneuvered me. I brushed it a couple of times but that only infuriated him all the more. I glanced in the hallway to check on my brother. He ws holding a dishtowel like a matador tempting a bull. “Get out!” he repeatedly yelled as he waved the towel wildly. Like the bat would understand him, eh!

Wings flapping furiously our rodent flew straight up the stairs towards the bedroom. “See? I was right to close those doors!” Rick exclaimed. I figured it was only a lucky guess on his part but I wasn’t about to steal his thunder. I let him bathe in the glory of his decision by keeping my mouth shut.

Once again, I forged ahead broom at the ready. I slowly climbed the stairs waiting to spring into action. Watching my every move with his beady brown eyes, the bat rested above a door. In an instant, it lunged at me recklessly. I’m sure I could hear it screeching as it dove…or, it was me screaming a hasty retreat down the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs I regained my composure and proceeded to launch a counterattack. Charging back up, broom frantically waving, I managed to trap it against a window ledge. Huffing and puffing I triumphantly announced,” I got the little bastard, now get your ass up here!”

During my counterattack my brother chose to don more protective gear. Rick, now sporting oven mitts and goggles, squeezed in front of me and pushed the dishtowel against the vermin trying to hold him in place, as I cautiously slid my broom to the side. I then raced into the bedroom to get a chair. Rick climbed onto the chair to improve his grip. “He’s moving!” he hissed through clenched teeth. I repositioned myself directly behind my brother by balancing one foot on the stair bannister and my other foot on a wall. I then reached over his shoulder and clutched the dishtowel with the squirming bat underneath. “Let’s open a the window and push him out!”, I volunteered. Then, I asked Rick how to open his windows as they were just recently installed. “How should I know? I didn’t put them in!” was his retort. So, with my free hand I reached over his head and tried to open the latch every which way with out success. “Hurry” he gasped “He’s trying to escape!” No kiddin’?

Eventually, I managed to slide two windows over only to find a one piece screen covering the opening. Rick instructed me to open it any way I could, as enough was enough. With my free hand I pushed the screen as hard as I could. It instantly popped out and fell two stories onto the lawn below. At that exact moment we shoved our winged visitor out the window. Amazingly the bat grabbed onto the ledge and looking back at us refused to budge. Rick heaved at it one more time and out it went. We immediately closed the window and took a deep breath.

Rick looked over his shoulder at me and declared, ” Well, I’m sober now. Time for more beer!” At which point we toasted our victory.

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